A Letter From Julian Potter, Macquarie Bank

Greetings, Fellow Toilers in the vineyard of marketing...

My Friend Fred received a letter from Julian Potter recently. Julian is Head of Macquarie Bank Cards. It was part of a mailpiece sent to shareholders to sell them a Platinum card. I was struck dumb by Julian's words.

"Dear Frederick, There comes a time when the old way of doing things needs to be re-evaluated. When convention has to be reconsidered. That time is now and we are making it easy." (Fred thinks: "What the f*** is this about?" I tell Fred it's not Julian, it's his copywriter having a fit of hysteria nervosa.) It goes on: "Introducing the Macquarie Bank Visa Platinum Card: the new form of currency." The new form of currency? Later it is described as "a Card that takes you beyond traditional currency." And in the brochure it says it 'redefines the notion of currency'. Don't all cards do that? Traditional currency being notes and coins. At the height of the copywriter's hysteria, we are to be "inspired by the thought of being part of a currency revolution". This is embarassing. Who wrote this sh**?

There is not a scrap of evidence for any of the claims made in this most unworthy mail piece, even though they fall like confetti. It is a card that 'makes others seem distinctly old fashioned.'It 'readdresses the idea of service. Shifts perceptions of reward experiences....". As a Visa Card, it 'redefines acceptance'. I've got a Visa Card. Macquarie's card doesn't redefine anything. "Travel reimagined" Here we go: "Your Card can take you on a journey that is genuinely inspirational. A voyage that's so personal you can get on any flight at any time on any airline you choose.*" (The asterix referred us to the back of the brochure: "*Subject to availability." Hold on: I can get on any flight on any airline at any time subject to availability.)

The exclusivity of this offer is also bullshit. As the letter says: "Macquarie Bank Shareholders are among the first to be offered our new Visa Platinum Credit Card with Founding Member Status." Who else is 'among the first'? And what does "Founding Member Status" mean? We aren't told. But wait, it gets better: "If you are not eligible to apply, we would be happy for you to pass this offer on to someone you know." We don't know if you are a shareholder or not. Anyway, this offer is so exclusive, you can pass it on to anyone you like.

Now Julian, I am sure you sniffed the bullshit when your people or the creative kids in Big Budget Agency were presenting this piece of crap to you. They were hugging themselves and congratulating each other on the brilliance of the copy, none of them having ever met a Mac Bank shareholder except you... You were swept up in the group hysteria. Or you were too busy to check it. Didn't see it?

Why am I being so aggressive about this? Because I wrote sh** like this for American Express Gold Card in the dark days at Ogilvy & Mather when Amex was in decline and choking on its own bullshit. (I resigned from the account - the only person in O&M's history to have ever done so.)

I have a great respect for Mac Bank, having been given extraordinary access to the Bank's culture and inner workings. I believe they are the best of the best. They are growing quickly. They take risks and mostly they succeed. But this mailpiece is unworthy of them.

Julian, your name appears under this piece of copy. Don't let them do it to you again. Even if this campaign works, it is not fair to inflict such compost on the shareholders and the brand. The copywriter should be forced to meet with 25 shareholders before sitting down to write. They should be forced to write the letter to one of the shareholders. Only then will the copy be authentic and powerful. Double your response rate.

I was once asked to quote on a project to teach the senior managers how to judge copy and the junior managers how to write it or commission it. They didn't proceed with the project. Shame. For you, Julian.

Michael
0417 280 540

PS. This copy goes into the finals of the WORLD'S WORST COPY EVER WRITTEN. Send me your entries.