Want dm that pulls its head off? Then Pitch for it!

My old companion in arms Neil Flett* wrote a book or two on "pitching". But what Neil calls pitching is far too gentlemanly a word for it. Long before the oily men of adland described fawning and sucking up to clients to win their business as "pitching", there were "The Pitchmen" - born again salesmen who travelled the carnival routes with a carpetbag full of snake oil or the like. They can still be seen operating today in some 'paddy's markets' (pitching perfume or watches). They gather a crowd and deliver their speil.

They aren't short. Up to 20 minutes can go by as these masters of melodrama, dramatising every feature of their product into a benefit, hold the baying crowd back, refusing to let them buy his product until he has them at climax point. Then he lets them rush the table and throw their money down.

The earliest direct response tv commercials went to air in the early 1950s in the USA and they used pitchmen doing the pitch to camera. The commercial for Vitamix, the first blender, last half an hour. It was listed in the tv program guide and it even out rated Lawrence Welk and His Orchestra. (OK, so the test pattern could have done that as well.) It was dramatic. It was entertaining. It was educational. It was a darn sight better than the crap that fills free-to-air tv time on the fringes and in the regions - infomercials with no info. Bland bullshit.

The middle aged Vitamix pitchman had the viewers believing that their failure to buy and use a Vitamix to preserve the goodness in the food they served their families was undermining American culture and endangering national security - leaving the nation vulnerable to Russian invasion. And they believed him because he was believable.

If someone out there has a copy of the 5 minutes that survive from the Vitamix commercial, please post it on Utube and let us know. I had a VHS copy - very scratchy. Think they threw it out after I left Boomerang.

Caution: The Program is Suitable for Idiots and Above

I paid $300 to PR Web to send a press release. They offered me so many options I can't remember what I get. I dunno what's happening. ANd their much-vaunted stats package refuses to reveal my press release's performance to me. SO I wrote to the Help Desk: (I'll let you know what they say.)

......

Dear Sir/Madam

I cannot find a way to access my stats. My account page looks nothing like the one used to illustrate how easy it is for everyone else but me to see their stats. I'm sorry. When I log in I get nothing like that. IS it because use a Mac and Firefox? Or because I'm Australian? Is there a rule that every "user friendly system" is created by people who are so IT literate that they assume knowledge that average users don't have. And because we are isolated and alone when we suffer through the process of trying to second guess the geeks who designed it, that we feel that there's something wrong with us when it's you and your dyslexic system which has all the "obvious" functions hidden beneath some innovative new GUI feature that is the compete idiot? Standardisation? Ever thought of it? HWt don't you and PayPal and Slideshare and all the DIY systems standardise? That would be poison to web programmers. They want to make their mark. And so that users face a barrier to usage. Would McDonald's make their burgers hard to get at? No? They make them easy to get at. That's why they sell so many. Get the picture? Ok. I am finished. I have had this trouble with so many DIY web apps. You guys delude yourselves into believing your system is idiot-proof because the power-users who you normally mix with can second guess what the web programmer was thinking when they hid the "Go" button. Or maybe you build dysfunctionality in as a game. Well I'm sick of playing your games. Just tell me which "obvious" thing I overlooked for getting to my stats and I'll look and feel stupid (again) and get on with my life until tempted to use another wonderful DIY web app. Why don't you put a sign on the home page that says: "This application is for idiots and better. Complete idiots nstay clear."
Thank you.

Adopt an Australian Sheep: Unique Last Minute Christmas Gift

Hi,

I have a lesson for you. Don't assume you understand your customers' purchase motivations. You'll find there is more to your offering than first meets the eye. Squeeze the lemon until the pips squeak, and you give yourself many more copypoints for your marketing effort.EG. When I thought the thousands of people 'adopting' our sheep were doing it to help us survive the drought, I was half wrong. They do like to help struggling farmers. But that's only one benefit they get from it.

UNIQUE GIFT: Sheep or lamb adoption is also attractive because they are unique - the perfect gift for the person who has everything. Some givers report the receivers get quite emotional on seeing their adopted sheep.

AUSSIE GIFT: A genuine Australian sheep who lives at an identifiable property and is looked after by an identifiable farmer who you can email and talk to by telephone is about as Aussie as you can get. Perfect for people who live overseas. Expats in London adopt sheep to give each other as gifts.

URGENT DELIVERY VIA EMAIL: You can get your sponsorship certificate within minutes of placing your request, if needed, thanks to our telephone/Internet/email system. So if you are caught after the shops close on Christmas Eve, you can go to www.adoptasheep.com.au or www.adoptalamb.com.au, order and pay for your adoption, then call us to flag the urgency and give us the details of the names you want to give your sheep. We can then issue a certificate on the spot, and send it to you by email for printing at your end. Roll it up, tie it with some ribbon, and voila! Gift Ready.

SEND OVERSEAS INSTANTLY: The 'gift' takes the form of a certificate which shows the adopted sheep, its name and the name of the adopter or gift recipient. These certificates can easily be sent via email and printed out at the recipient's end. Instant gift!

ULTIMATE CHRISTMAS SHOPPING SOLUTION: One gentleman ordered 21 adoptions - one for each of his children and grand children. He did all his Christmas shopping in only a few minutes.

THE GIFT THAT EDUCATES: Children can be engaged in the story of their sheep, and learn about the wool industry and its role in building Australia. Adopters can request a sample of fleece and can read about the flock and the wool industry on our blog sites.

THE DONATION YOU CAN ENJOY: Some families are trying to reduce the focus on "getting presents" by giving the money they would have spent on a gift to a charity on behalf of the recipient. While other charities are worthy, they don't give you a sheep or lamb to love and read about and write letters to and put on your wall.

And how do you squeeze the lemon? By speaking and listening to your customers.

Cheers!

MK

PS. On www.adoptalamb.com.au you will find we have Lamb greetings cards and Lamb t-shirts and a "shearing at Uamby" DVD for sale. We're nutty about sheep. How can you not love a lamb?

Conrad gilds his lily somewhat...

Hi,

There's an old joke that, behind bars, everyone is innocent. It means that everyone you meet inside says, sincerely, "I didn' do it." Lord Black of Crossharbour - Conrad Black to you - has been so blatant with his lying hat the prosecutor asking the judge to sentence him to extra prison time for his “stunning lack of remorse”. Blackie, as he might be known among his mates doing porridge, declared that he had done “absolutely nothing” wrong and claimed that he was the victim of persecution.

“If I appeared and sounded humble, I would be described as a broken, disgraced man who is admitting he's a criminal. Well, the fact is I am innocent,” he said. “When you are innocent and when you are wrongly accused, how do you conduct yourself? Do you roll over and say, 'Well, I'm innocent, but since I've been found guilty, I'm going to be humble and full of remorse?' I would have thought not.”

John Laws and Allan Jones made the same pronouncement. Conrad as caught on his own security camera destroying records while the two radio oracles denied the undeniable as recorded from their broadcasts.

Could it be the Howard Punters' Attention Span Theory: the average Joe and Joette don't listen to the ABC and don't follow politics or business news or anything much really, except sports and celebrity gossip. SO you can do and say anything you like. It's as though you don't exist or you're invisible. Just make noises about 'them' and say you're innocent.

Try it.

MK

PS. (The British grocery milk fraud and the Black episode let John Howard off the hook.)

How to predict losers and winners in market share battles

More than ten years ago I predicted that Mitsubishi and Ford would fall on hard times and that Toyota would rise to dominance over Holden, despite the GMH stranglehold of the profitable middle market with the New Commodore. I predicted the movement in the market based upon brand dimensions as measured by an ingenious device called the "Quality of Sales Index" (invented by my friend and colleague Constant Behrens).

What do we mean by "the quality of a sale"? One sale can look much like another, but the difference in quality when you look underneath can be spectacular. Sale A might be the fourth such purchase of the brand, not prompted by a promotion, and likely to have bought accessories from the dealer, where the buyer will have all services done. Sale B might be the first (and only) time the buyer has chosen the brand, bought on price, responded to a promotion, and gets cheap accessories from Backyard Barry's where he gets his service done. (A bit of database analysis would tell you this.) Buyer A's transaction added to the brand equity of the company and Buyer B's did the reverse. If you have a high proportion of Buyer As, the chances are your sales figures will grow. If you have a high proportion of Bs, the reverse is the case.

When Constant and I allowed Toyota's research agency to run the Quality of Sales Index analysis on a mixed group of automotive buyers, the result was Holden No 1, Toyota a close No. 2. Ford was a good distance away at No.3. And Mitsubishi was a sorry last at No.4. We have 2 questions we ask to reveal a person's brand-attachment or brand-engagement. Once you know the concentration levels (on the Quality of Sales Index), you can determine which brands were in trouble - no matter what the market share data says. It says which direction sales are likely to go. On the basis of this one test, I predicted that Toyota would surplant Holden as the "Aussie" brand sometime in the next 5 years.

Let's look at the sales data over the period between when we made the assessment and now. In 1997, Ford at 18% was No. 1 in sales for its 3rd consecutive year. Toyota was No. 2 with 17.5%. and Holden No. 3 with 17.1%. Mitsubishi with 11.9% came in at No.4. But the QOS Index had them in this order: Holden, Toyota, Ford and Mitsubishi.

So what happened? Ford slipped from 21.5% in 1995 to 11.9% in 2006. A severe collapse, and all driven by lack of connection between its brand and its buyers. While the Ford execs were celebrating '97's results (18%), the undertakers were measuring them up. Mitsubishi had a shorter distance to fall from '97 (11.9%) to 2006 (6%), but nearly halving your market share is no mean feat. Mitsubishi buyers are not offered a brand, just a deal. (Both Mitsubishi and Ford hired ex-Toyota execs hoping some of the magic would rub off. It didn't.)

Holden's market share from the 1997 figure of 17% rose to 27.5% in 2000 on the back of the New Commodore. But, as predicted, the brand connections were unravelling and it fell to to 15.2% in 2006. From March 2003, it lost the leader's jacket to Toyota which collected 22.2% market share in 2006. It is expected to repeat the performance in 2007.

What lessons are there in this meander through the past? What fools we were not to offer this analysis tool to the endangered brands. (Toyota never paid us a cent for the exercise). What fools we were not to offer it to brands in other categories. It's like a crystal ball. And it identifies the problem for the forthcoming fall from grace. The most important lesson is about brand attachment and engagement. Without it you're going nowhere. And how do you build brand attachment? One person at a time.

Mad cow disease hits British supermarkets

Qantas, Visy, and Telstra are only copycatting British grocery chains when they rip customers off and try to deny the bleeding obvious... Has everyone in big companies gone mad? Is is Climate Change?

This week all the British majors in groceryland have been found guilty of colluding with their milk supplier to fix prices.
Sainsbury's, Safeway and Asda admitted to the Office of Fair Trading (OFT) that they were part of a price-fixing group that took £270m extra from shoppers. They agreed to pay fines totalling £116m while the cases against Tesco and Morrisons continue after no deal was struck.

Now get this: caught red handed, then lie about it. (Pattern?) The OFT said that the amount received by farmers did not increase. Like Telstra, the majors must have read Hitler's book in which he said always tell a big lie because people are more likely to believe a big lie. All the grocers caught with their 'fingers on the scales' in this case insist that the farm gate price paid for milk did rise and that they were not ripping off customers. "There is no suggestion that what took place was an attempt to make more profit," said Justin King, chief executive, Sainsbury's. Why did it agree to pay a £26m fine? Either the OFT is lying or the CEOs of the majors are lying.

A despairing British shopper said: "Fining them is going to achieve what?...Overcharged twice, once for the milk, and then once to cover the fine"

Of course you can't say they'll be punished by the market. They control the market. The British grocery market has the world's second highest concentration of ownership. Britain's is a cartel. The highest: Australia. A duopoly.

When size is all that matters

My friend and mentor Mike Connor (ex-Unisys, ex-IBM, ex-something else, I forget)sent this comment:

"I'm here in Port Bundaberg and can't receive Next G. Not only that, the Mac software provided by a Telstra supplier will not work with Leapord. I did have a Telstra exec suss it out and sent technitions up here. I'm in a "blind" spot...
As for your concern about being true in your advertising, you only promised to have a marketing thought-a-day - you never promised to write about it.
Keep 'em comin' Mate!

Are brands coated with teflon?

Visy, Qantas and now Telstra... in the dock.

I have friends who work for Telstra who are intelligent, honest people. So it pains me when their employer acts like a boofhead.

Telstra told lies in its advertising: Next G is not everywhere you need it. Far from it, Next G covers less than a quarter of Australia. A Federal Court found the Telco guilty… and it is. And it is telling more lies to defend the first set of lies.

Telstra’s Peter Taylor tried to redefine what the ads said, claiming they did not promise complete coverage. Instead he says they meant to say that: “Telstra's Next G network is the largest mobile network in Australia that provides coverage in more places in Australia than any other mobile network including the old CDMA network.''

The ACCC and the Court assumed that normal consumers would think ‘everywhere you need it’ meant everywhere they were likely to go, no exceptions.

Mr Taylor’s defence is curious: He seems to argue that Telstra customers don’t expect honesty in advertising from Telstra. "Telstra gives its customers credit for understanding advertising. Do people really believe that Vegemite puts a rose in every cheek?''

So it comes under the heading of “puffery” and no doubt Telstra’s legal team will rely on the Carbolic Smoke Ball Company case in torts which enshrines in law the advertiser’s right to use world like ‘the best’ to describe their offerings.

It is one thing to fall foul of the ‘misleading and deceptive’ provisions of the consumer protection regulations. But you take your medicine and move on. But not Telstra. That Sol Trujillo. He’s got cojones.

What the ACCC and the Federal Court fails to understand is that the world ‘you’ in ‘everywhere you need it’ doesn’t mean people who live in rural and remote areas. Many ‘non-you’ people rely on the Telstra’s CDMA network, which it wants to turn off next month.

Meanwhile Telstra chief executive Sol Trujillo earns $22million a year. How does that work?

Industry commentator and editor of iWire, Stuart Corner, says: “When I first saw Telstra's advertising slogan for Next G claiming ‘coverage everywhere you need it’ I thought it unwise, because it is patently false. My second thought was that Telstra is going to be in trouble for this, and it did not take long for the ACCC to prove me right. Telstra has vowed to appeal a federal court decision that its Next G advertising was and continues to be misleading. It would do better to let the matter rest ... The only company that could make the claim "coverage everywhere you need it" with any real claim to accuracy would be a satellite operator.”

Blatant lies. Is this the future of corporate governance? Or is it the past, the moral legacy of the Howard era where telling lies was acceptable for the PM and his cabinet.

PS. Did you note the irony here: me, accusing Telstra of making misleading statements? Mr Thought-A-Day. It's one thing to be a hyocrite. it's entirely another to recognise it. Now where's my $22million?

Aliens abducted me and made me watch TV

While I was held hostage by aliens in a space ship orbiting Earth for the last little while, they let me watch TV. I saw the tragic treatment the Victorian Racing Authorities handed out to the sponsors of the races during the Melbourne Cup Carnival. They let the CEOs of the sponsors take as long as they needed to convince TV viewers at home that their company was being run by a brain dead automoton. The Racing people knew no-one was watching except we alien abduction victims. And I'll bet it was music to the ears of the sales person sent to sell the sponsorships. On Melbourne Cup Day, the only CEO who should have been let loose near a camera was the guy from the coffee brand: Lavattza? He spoke intelligently. The rest? Was there not a single advisor to tell the EMPEROR he was' naked? If you are a marketing manager or CEO and you sponsor events and they invite you to speak on camera, hire an actor to do it. You are not 1. good looking enough 2. articulate enough 3. thin enough 4. entertaining enough or 5. credible enough to be projected at people in their homes . And avoid making remarks about the event as though you're an expert. No one cares what you thought. They only want to know you gave the money and they don't care about that either. Why do it? Because you are exploiting a captive audience. And they know it. The only thought I have for a sponsor of the Melbourne Cup is for Fosters - if they had given away free beer for half an hour after the big race was run... at least they would have know someone at the track had tried the stuff... Sponsors are always wrong. TRUE. They think the sponsorship dollar is the investment. "What do I get for that?" You get into the dance hall. Now, what are you going to do to impress the punters?

PS. I once saw a company representative read out a 15 minute monologue clipped from the annual report about all the product ranges, etc. and other inappropriate stuff at an awards ceremony. The room was in a deep coma by the time it stopped. What can you do? Identify a good speaker on the team and make them the spokesperson. Deliver only appropriate information: a few good jokes, but nothing that challenges the host/emccee. Mention the company and its offering - and make a terrific offer - if appropriate. What's a terrific offer? Newsworthy.

Missing blogger wanders into police station with memory loss...

Who am I kidding? I can't even have a thought a month. My brain went AWOL. I didn't have nothin' to say. And if you got nothin' to say, just shut up. If ever you get the urge to write a book, check that it hasn't already been written. I know people who have written many books and haven't said a single thing.

I should'a told you. But that's just one more unnecessary email. So that's that. It's not like I stole from you.You haven't lost anything. I just didn't keep my promise. That's the lesson here. That's right. I did it to show you how customers feel when the delivery doesn't meet the advertising.

Now that we've got that straight and in an attempt to get back in the saddle, I was going to make some predictions for 2008. Identify key marketing trends and given them a cool name. The standard stuff. But instead, I will bring you some insights I had while I was in my coma.

TRUE: All generalisations are wrong. (Including this one. Statements about 'consumer types' may apply for an individuals only in a narrow purchase category. Ie., an early adopter in motor vehicles might also be a laggard or late majority member in computer equipment, etc.)

FALSE: Being connected is important. (If you are the most attractive networking target in the room, you're at the wrong function. We all have too many connections to be effective. Some people are obsessive/compulsive about gathering connections. Some are also addicted to face-to-face meetings.)

FALSE: All successful people have a goal. (Lately I have noticed people who reach the top being applauded have a tendency to say: "never in my wildest dreams". I'm with them. GoalS get in the way of greater achievement. WHY LIMIT YOURSELF TO ONLY REACHING THE STARS?)

FALSE: Market forces rule. (If you are a big player called Visy or Qantas, you can do deals with competitors to fix price floors and steal money from your customers. You won't be sent to gaol like the common criminals are. A lot of Qantas passengers will miss out on seeing Geoff in prison greens. DAMN.) BTW: the same thing happened in the courier and road freight business 15 years ago. They were caught fixing prices and stealng. No one went to jail/gaol. Bad move.

TRUE: Anyone who shaves their head and acts like a guru is a shyster. Now I am not saying Seth Godin is a guru, or acts like one... sort of strange and disconnected at times, then rattling off 'ideas' at a machine gun pace. I didn't say that. Nor did I mean to imply it. Seth is not a guru. No, truly. Every one of Seth's concepts - starting with "Permission" marketing - was born wholey new and was not appropriated from another field (like direct marketing) and renamed in digi-speak. And Seth is not simply a brand construct. He is a real flesh and blood person. While it can be said of advertising that it is the art of capturing a person's attention long enough to extract money from them, it can't be said of Seth. He was 'the new' and always will be, even when he's not.

INSIGHT: Most marketing trendspotters are frauds. TRUE: Nothing is less publicised than the actual performance rating of popular promoters of trends. The king of them all - Tom Peters (In Search of Excellence) - was dethroned when a large number of the 'excellent' companies hit the wall within 5 years of his book appearing. Faith Popcorn is another. Everyone was going to live in "cocoons" at home with their home entertainment centres. (Traditional movie theatres went which way? They went boom through the roof...) The Trend Spotter has only one club in the golf bag: more in the same direction. Little knowing that history never travels in a straight line. Prius and Hummer - both the vehicle of the year. Go figure. Now I am not saying Tom or Faith are trend spotters, or act like one... I didn't say that. Nor did I mean to imply it. They do not make predictions that are vague and hard to prove or disprove. No, truly.

FAITH POPCORN'S PREDICTIONS FOR 2007
(Pssst! Notice how she says something that sounds big, but when you look at it, there's nothing new about it or earth shattering.)

The agency of Trend Spotting legend Faith Popcorn has released their 2007 Trend Report. The enclosed press release describes some of the next big trends.

NEW YORK, Dec. 26 /PRNewswire/—Leading future-focused trend consultancy Faith Popcorn’s BrainReserve anticipates the forging of a new type of identity in the coming years: The New Networked Self. The technological advances of the information age have produced the most powerful tools yet for shaping our collective human destiny. The world has simultaneously become more fluid and more connected, one of both infinite possibility and extreme intimacy. As a result, people are turning away from the ego-driven self-aggrandizement that characterized the old era of hyper-consumption. The New Networked Self is far more ecologically aware than her predecessor and sees herself as a tiny, but instrumental part of a much larger picture that is constantly in flux. With this newfound awareness comes a personal sense of responsibility to understand and engage with the whole.

Identity Flux

Technology has enabled us to experiment with different personalities, leading to a much more fluid sense of who we are. Having tasted the nectar of virtual liberation, we’re beginning to reject the singularly defined roles we’re expected to play in society.

The Future: Gender-neutrality goes mainstream. People list skills on their business cards rather than title, and dress up in various costumes depending on who they feel like being that day.

Liquid Brands

Today’s consumers are capricious and non-committal. Brands will have to become more liquid to keep up with their constantly moving targets.

The Future: Chameleon-like brands focus less on communicating a static message and more on being the right thing for the right persona at the right time. Constantly morphing retailers carry products until they sell out and never restock.

Virtual Immortality

Consumers globally are creating fully fleshed out existences in the virtual world-dressing up their avatars, making friends, having affairs and buying property for their pixilated alter-egos. And now that people have multiple lives, who says you can’t live forever?

The Future: While some let their avatars drift away to online purgatory, many more leave behind specific instructions on how their virtual selves should proceed. Services offering avatar surrogates flourish, and we bequeath avatars to friends and family in our wills.

EnvironMENTAL Movement

Like the movement to combat environmental pollution, the next consumer-led reaction will be against the mental pollution caused by marketers. With every corner of the world both real and virtual becoming plastered with marketing messages, bombarded consumers are starting to say they’ve had enough. The current attack against marketing to kids is just the beginning.

The Future: Companies are expected to reduce the amount of damage they are doing to our minds. Savvy companies sponsor marketing-free white spaces in lieu of polluting the environment with models and logos.

Product PLACEment

In the globally networked age, consumers are much more concerned about the consequences of consumption. Is my garbage poisoning someone in a developing country? How much fuel was burned in order to get these strawberries to my local supermarket?

The Future: Enviro-biographies are attached to just about everything, letting consumers know the entire life story of a product: where the materials were harvested, where it was constructed, how far it traveled, and where it ended up after being thrown away or recycled.

Brand-Aides

The government has let us down when it comes to providing the social services we had once expected from it. Brands are stepping in to take over where the government left off. Companies are already finding there’s profit to be made from providing affordable healthcare to the masses.

The Future: Socially responsible brands make a buck while providing desperately needed services. Communities are revived by Target daycare, Starbucks learning centers, and Avis transportation services for the elderly.

Moral Status Anxiety

In today’s increasingly philanthropic climate, expect conspicuous self- indulgence to go straight to the social guillotine. The globally conscious consumer regards altruistic activities as a necessary part of self- improvement.

The Future: A person’s net worth is no longer measured by dollars earned, but by improvements made. Families compete with each other on how many people they fed while on vacation, and the most envied house on the block is not the biggest, but the most sustainable.

Oldies but Goodies

Our culture is suffering from an experience deficit. With the availability of online knowledge, we’re claiming expertise based only on secondary experience. Now that everyone’s a web-educated know-it-all, we’re secretly longing for authority figures to guide and assure us with indispensable nuggets of wisdom that could only come from having actually accumulated life experience.

The Future: Respect for elders makes a comeback in the form of Ask Your Grandma hotlines and the proliferation of online video clips by seniors showing us how to tie knots and concoct home remedies.

Contact: Faith Popcorn’s BrainReserve
+1-212-772-7778
Fax - +1-212-772-7787
future@FaithPopcorn.com